Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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