But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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