you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
