Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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