Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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