rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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