the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
