none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
