Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Randomize
