Bisexual people are plain selfish.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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