Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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