I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
