Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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