I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize