She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
