Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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