If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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