mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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