3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
