I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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