You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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