She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
