oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
wow bdsm is so cute
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
