shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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