32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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