I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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