I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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