Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Even my vagina gasped.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
