You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
