Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
