i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
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It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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