The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
