Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
