I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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