He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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