The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
