i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
