Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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