Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
