failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
