You just made me feel so damn special
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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