life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We're too hungover to prance.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
