didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
