So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
organizing the empties. That sober.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
