my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
