what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
