Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i dont even know how to be here
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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