we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
