The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
