Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
