gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
