"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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