did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
