ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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