True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
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I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
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she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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