thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
