Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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