My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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