Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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