my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
