ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
two words...techno handjob
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
