Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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