I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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